Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if there was any trouble in town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in straightening out young children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. The mother sent her 8-year old first. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The clergyman raised his voice even louder and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran home and dove into his closet. When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!"

So a duck walks into a store and asks the lady at the register if she has any duck food. The lady talls the duck "No" and then the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks the same lady if she has any duck food. The lady explains to the duck that they don't carry duck food and never have and never will. So the duck leaves. The next day the come in and asks the same lady again. She looks at the duck and begins to yell, "No, we don't have any duck food! If you come in here again and ask for duck food I will nail your beek to the cash register!" The next day the duck comes in again and asks the lady, "Do you have any nails." The lady says "No." He asks, "Do you have any duck food?"

A blonde lady was driving through the country-side when she saw another blonde girl in a row-boat. The boat was in the middle of a cornfield. The lady became angry and stopped her car. She got out and began yelling from the road-side, “You stupid blonde! It is morons like you that cause the rest of us blonde girls to have a bad reputation. If I could swim, I would go out there and teach you a lesson!”

A man was interviewed on his ninety-fifth birthday. After hearing that he and his wife never fought in over ninety years of marriage, the reporter inquired as to how it was possible. The old man began with a story; "You see, back when we were married, it was the horse-and-buggy days. I was driving us out to the cottage where we would spend our honey-moon when the horse stumbled over something. I looked at that horse and said 'That's one'. After about another mile or so I tried to turn that horse left and it pulled right and nearly led us off the road. I jumped down off the buggy and grabbed that horse by the nose and said 'That's two!' Well, after a while, when we were about to pull into the road leading to that cottage, that horse tripped over something again. I said to that horse 'That's three!' and I shot it in the back of the head with my old 45." The reporter looked confused. The old man continued "Well, after I shot that horse my wife ripped into me telling and fussing up one side of me and then down the other. When she was done, I just looked at her and said, 'That's one!'" 

Two men were talking at a bar located at the tenth-story of a building. One says to the other, "You know, if you jump of the balcony there, an up-draft will hold you in place and you wont fall over the edge." The other man looked at him, "You're crazy." "No, I'll show you." The first man walked over to the balcony and jumped over the side and was held in place and then slowly floated back to the balcony. The other man said, "No way, I want to try it." He went over to the balcony and jumped off, falling ten stories to the ground. The first man walked back over to the bar and the bar tender said, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drinking."

A man has three daughters. One day, his first daughter asked him "Father, why is my Rose?" Her father answers by saying "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." When the daughter told her sisters, the second one wanted to know the story about her name, so she goes up to her father and asks "Father, why is my name Daisy?" Her father replies "Because when you were born, a daisy fell on your head." When the second daughter heard this, she went to tell her other sisters. The third sister, being the last one, wanted to know why she was given her name, so she goes up to her father and says "Futheer, hoo deed Iye gat mie neem?" And her father replied "Because when you were born, a brick fell on your head."

There once was a man named John Odd. As you can imagine, people were always making fun of his last name, saying things like "Wow...your last name is pretty 'odd.'" etc. He was so sick of it, that in his last will and testament, he specifically requested that his tombstone be left blank, so that he could rest in peace. Well, the time came, as it does for all of us, and John died. And as he requested, his tombstone was left blank. And ever since that day, when people visiting the cemetery see his tombstone, they can be heard to say "That's 'Odd.'"

submitted by: Mark Hamilton

The Pope and the other leaders of the Catholic Church were having a really important meeting in the Vatican. The Pope told his secretary "I'm not to be bothered under any circumstances while I'm in this meeting. It's extremely important. Do you understand?" "Yes," said the secretary. Then the Pope entered the meeting, and closed the doors. A few minutes went by, and the secretary burst through the doors and came running to the Pope. The Pope was not happy. "Didn't I say not to bother me?" "Yes," said the secretary, "but it's extremely important. Important enough that it couldn't wait." "Well, what is it?" "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" "The good news." "Christ has returned to the earth!" "Praise the Lord, and Hallelujah! What on EARTH could be the bad news?" "He's having a meeting in the Mormon Temple."

Submitted by: Mark Hamilton