Where do you hide money if you don't
want a Mormon to find it? Under a pass-along card
There are two types of people in this world; those who
need closure and those--
What do you
call cheese that's not yours? -- Notcho Cheese!
What did the
scarf say to the hat? -- You go on a-head and I'll go around.
My friend told
me he had to go to the doctor. When I asked him why, he said "'Cause my
left leg isn't right."
What's the best way to keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose!
What do you call a seagull that likes to surf the Internet? An e-gull!
What do spiders eat with fried chicken? Corn on the cobweb.
What kind of cheese do basketball players like? Swish cheese!
How is 5+5=11 like your left foot? Because it's not right!
What did Cinderella say when she took her photos to be developed? "Someday my prints will come!"
What happens when you drop a duck egg? It quacks!
How is the baby bird like its dad? It's a chirp off the old block.
Teacher: Why did you eat your homework?
Student: Because I don't have a dog.
Why did Batman and Robin quit going fishing together? Because Robin ate all the worms
Mother to son: I'm warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me!
"Work?, yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life."
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
well we know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?
And if it is mispelled, how would we know?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*
If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?*
I don't want to try hard....trying hard requires effort
"I enjoyed meeting your girlfriend. She was nice and
attractive, but mostly attractive. You can pretend to be nice but you
can't pretend to be attractive."
What do you call a romantic carcinogen? A Carsanova
